The League of Extraordinary Over-Analysis.

I've got some musings on dating. Because the person best suited to muse upon that subject is the person who rarely does it, of course.

The other night, a friend and I had a discussion about "leagues." What is "my league," and how do I know if I'm going for someone "out of my league"?

I was talking about the obvious: The physical. Because, as of late, when I get messages on dating sites, I find myself looking at the guy's picture and going, "eh." And then I have to snap back to reality and remember these guys are probably "in my league," whatever that really means. So I'm reacting indifferently/negatively to men that are probably, in guy-land, equally as attractive as I am in gal-land. Which means guys are giving me the "eh," too. And we're both reaching for something "better" when it's not entirely certain we can acquire it.

I generally go for men who aren't considered to be conventionally attractive. Or at least I don't think they are. But amusingly enough, the last few have gotten compliments from people whose taste differs greatly from mine. Including the gays. And we know the gays do not lie about that kind of thing. If someone's a hot mess, they will tell you. So people other than me find them attractive. Which means I get to wondering if this person is, in fact, "out of my league." No, I'm not searching for some mythical beast whose beauty is unseen to everyone but me. I'm just not prone to thinking of myself as being more than average. And if someone I believe is more attractive than average sees someone I'm interested in as also being more attractive than average, that undermines what little confidence I have in myself. Furthermore, heaven help this man if he's already shown interest in me. I'll pull away because I can't compete. Does that make sense? Probably not.

I'll put it this way: Say I'm out at a bar with my friends, and I comment that a guy across the room is attractive. If my friend says, "Yeah, he is," and that friend is someone I deem more attractive than I am (which is all my friends, if I'm being honest), my subsequent thought? "Oh, he wouldn't be interested in me, then." Because I automatically think that, if they can have someone prettier (i.e. my friend), they'll go for it.

And shush. I know I touched upon the fact that attractiveness is subjective, yet now somehow consider my own standards to be gospel. This is my blog. I can do that.

But my friend was talking about the other stuff. Like intelligence. And oddly enough, I've rarely ever been concerned that I don't match up with someone intellectually. I'm a genius, for fuck's sake (I say it in jest here, but if you want to get technical...). When it comes to smarts, I freely admit that, on many occasions, my potential partner and I did not share the same area of expertise; but that doesn't make one of us smarter than the other. There are many different kinds of knowledge, and as long as they've got one of 'em...we're good. Have I had guys talk down to me? Sure have. But that says less about their level of intelligence and more about their character, in my opinion. Be smart. Just don't act like a pretentious ass about it.

I'd love to say I don't discriminate against complete idiots, but... Well, they're not in my "league." My "league" involves stringing together complete sentences and being able to talk about more than cars and sports. You'll never find me going for the "pretty but dumb" guy. Mostly because, if he's pretty enough, I won't even go near him in the first place. Oh, and conversation is very important to me.

Anyway. What we came up with is that it's probably easiest to date within or below one's "league," and not to reach beyond. But when my friend said that she suggests dating lower on occasion, so as not to feed the feelings of inferiority...doesn't that inevitably leave the other person reaching? Someone's insecurities are being affected if both parties aren't on the same level. But does that matter if their perceptions are different? Like...what if you think you're dating down, and your partner thinks they're dating down? Does any of this even matter?

I don't know... I've been thinking about it lately, because I wonder if sometimes I think no one will ever be good enough for me, while at the same time thinking I'll never be good enough for someone else. Like I ask for so much in a partner that I'm not capable of returning. But also... So help me, I love flawed people. Because I'm flawed. And in my twisted brain, the more imperfect someone is, the more perfect they are for me. I'm not plastic or airbrushed. I'm not the societal ideal. And I don't want that in anyone else. I like damage. I like baggage. Because if someone doesn't have that, they haven't lived. They're not...human. That's boring. And it's an impossible and needless standard up to which the rest of us kicked-around folk are held.

I don't know where I'm going with this. This entire essay is colored by my insecurities, I'm aware. And they're not all that different from anyone else's. I think sometimes I'm just a little more willing to admit to them. I don't want sympathy, or for a million people to tell me I have a distorted view of myself. I just find it easier to live in reality. And if I can't be honest with myself, I can't be honest with anyone else.

Thoughts? Or am I just exhibiting my disjointed ramblings for the hell of it, once again?