Songs in the key of regret.

As I'm sure most of you know...I absolutely adore "Glee." Is it cheesy? Yes. Are the characters a little stereotypical? Absolutely. Is there any chance that what takes place in the world of McKinley High would happen in the real world? Pfft, hell no. All that aside... It's a damn fine hour of entertainment.

But as much as I enjoy it, it also makes me a little sad. Yes, this is another in a series of "Little Things that Affect Heather Too Much," which is gathering multiple volumes over the past two weeks. But the damn show makes me sad.

I don't shy away from the fact that I was in junior high and high school band. Fuck that - I'm proud of it. There were days when band was the only thing that kept me from skipping school. I looked forward to it. School bored the shit out of me. I hated 99% of the people I was forced to spend eight hours a day with inside those walls. In general, I didn't want to be there. But band gave me a purpose, cliche as it sounds. It helped me discover how much I love music. I made friends. And then when I got into high school, it afforded me the opportunity to travel all over North America competing and doing things that I wouldn't otherwise have had the chance to do. Was I a brilliant instrumentalist? Um, no. Far from it. But that wasn't what it was about. It was about the experience. And I wouldn't change any of it.

But there is something I would change. After high school, I gave up on all of it. When I graduated and decided to go to Boston University, I gave some thought to pep band. But ultimately I decided it was too big a school with too many people more talented than I, and I wouldn't make it. So I packed up the flute and piccolo and stuck them in the back of the closet. I was tempted to give it another shot when I transferred to the University of Hartford, but the music program was so strong, and once again, I was intimidated. So they stayed where I'd left them. Then I picked up my flute about a month ago, after a failed attempt to sell it, and struggled to play a scale. The skill isn't there anymore. And as holds true with anything I endeavor, if I'm not good at it...it isn't worth doing.

Really, though, where "Glee" comes in... I knew from the time I spent in band that I loved music. I just didn't realize how much I loved to sing until I was in my late teens. And I didn't realize I didn't suck at it until my early 20s. All the things I learned about instrumental music - technical stuff that your average shower singer doesn't know - has actually made me really good. I'm the one singing in the car while sitting in traffic, getting too into it, making stupid facial expressions, and being frustrated if my vibrato isn't right or I hit a wrong note... Very few people have ever heard me sing. It's almost always an audience of one, but it doesn't matter. I'm still passionate about it. I still want to do it right. I still want to get better.

But for what? I'm 26 years old. It's too late for me. Add to that a persistent case of stage fright (as many with anxiety disorders tend to have), and no one I trust enough to listen and critique me in private (I want this, believe me, I want this so much)... I can still love it, but it's not leading me anywhere.

I wish I knew then that this was something I'd enjoy. I wish I knew I had the talent. I wish I had the chance to cultivate it. Aside from really hoping that someday we can all burst into song randomly in our every-day lives, I wish I had the opportunity the fictional "Glee" kids have. But when I was 16, I thought chorus was lame and listened to rap music. Not a whole lot of singing in my world at that point. Oh to know then what I know now... But doesn't that apply to just about everything once you're past 21?

Much like my writing, I don't know that I'm good enough to ever make a career out of it. I can't say, definitively, that I've "found my calling." Mainly because that's got such a religious connotation that I wouldn't utter such a thing to begin with, but I digress. I know what I like to do. I know what makes me some semblance of happy in this train wreck I call a life. But I can't help but wonder if, had I been aware earlier that this spark existed, had I been aware of what I was capable of... Would it be different now?

Yeah yeah. Shut up and enjoy the show. I know. I'm trying.