The end is the beginning is the end.

It's been a while. A lot's happened, and I've been busy stressing out about...well, everything. I have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to change some things and make some improvements in my life, and it's not really working as well as I'd hoped. But when does anything, really?

My cousin Amy passed away unexpectedly at the beginning of April. She was 40. So it was a strange couple weeks after that, with a lot of emotions happening, my grandparents being back in town, and having to think about attending a funeral. Grief is, for me, a conundrum. It probably looks like I'm not grieving at all, but I've never been big on showing emotion. There's a certain implication of vulnerability there that I'm not ready to display. Not even at my ripe old age. I am a little cold. I am a little detached. That doesn't mean I don't feel anything. It just doesn't hit me as hard as it does others.

In this instance, it did hit me. Again, not that anyone else could see. But it made me think. Amy did...everything. She saw everything. She lived the life she wanted to live. I hate cliches, but "living in the moment" comes to mind. And speaking of hating cliches... I became one in the past couple weeks. She wasn't that much older than me, and she did...twenty times more in her life.

I don't think I really need to finish that paragraph. We all know where this is going. And I'm working on it. A little bit harder than I was before, because I don't really want to need a wake-up call.

I've been looking for apartments. This is a tiny bit of a challenge on $30,000 a year while paying off student loans and having a car payment and credit card bills... I really can't spend more than $700 a month on rent and utilities without becoming destitute. But I mean...then I'd be starving, but at least I'd have my own place! I have a lead on a place that's literally a minute from work (I could walk, but I'd have to cross an incredibly busy street...and I'm lazy). I did a drive-by this afternoon to check the place out, since I knew where it was but had never really been down the street. I'm satisfied with what I saw, so now I have to stop being a chickenshit and call the guy so I can look at the inside. It's in a three-family house. Two bedrooms, basement storage, and a porch. I can park in the driveway, and it comes with appliances. It's his place; he lives there and has one other tenant. He only wants $600 including hot water. It could really be...just what I'm looking for. So I must be rid of my phone-phobia and call him tomorrow afternoon.

I have to say... Looking for a place is also stressful because you deal with some really strange people. I've run into a few who've placed ads on CraigsList and then refuse to give out information about the apartment via email. I reply to the ad, ask a couple fairly simple questions, and they just respond with, "Call me." Dude... You're already at the computer. Take the two minutes and tell me if there's a stove. It's not that hard. And if you're that lazy, I don't want to rent from you anyway. And least this guy gave me a lot of information upfront, and then answered me when I asked questions. He can also write in complete sentences, which is more than I can say for 75% of the others.

And I'll leave you all with a realization.

I find it amusing to pick a TV show and then figure out which characters my friends would be. I've talked about this in a roundabout way here, by referencing the fact that I am, in many ways, just like George Costanza. I've struggled when it comes to "Friends." I wish I were Chandler. I'm sarcastic and all, but I don't know that I'm consistently as funny as he is. Then I have moments when I think I'm Ross, because, man...he's so out of touch and he has awful luck, and that's me, too.

But last week, out for dinner and shopping with my dear friend Emily, I hit on the answer.

"No, no... You know who I am? I'm GUNTHER. I'm fucking GUNTHER."

Think about it. Just think about it. But it's okay. I was never really meant to be part of the main cast anyway.

Okay. Off to be social. Or something.