The Moment Has Passed.

I hate job interviews. I really wish I could say I've had more of them recently, but I still hate them. They're always asking these questions to determine your level of motivation and ability to lead and yada yada.

Well...that's great. But some of us aren't that motivated. Some of us aren't leaders. And that doesn't necessarily mean that we have no goals, or nothing gets done, or we're completely incapable of heading up a project. We just do it differently. Maybe we do things in an unorthodox manner to get us more psyched for whatever we need to do. Or we facilitate things behind the scenes without being a "yay rah rah we can do it!" leader. And there's a place for people like that.

I'm an "idea man." You know, without being a man. And this is one positive that comes from being an anxious person. I want to know all the facts before I make a decision, because I'm constantly thinking "what if" and jumping to the worst case scenario. And that makes me incredibly adept at analyzing the big picture and the broader impact of an action that others may see as very small. I'm able to look at a problem, find multiple solutions, and then determine all the potential outcomes. And I think ahead about what those outcomes will look like in a week, a month, a year (not that you can look a year ahead in retail, so you don't see me practicing a ton of long-term thinking at work). Personally, I think that's pretty important in the business world. But it never seems to be good enough for whoever's interviewing me.

Truth be told... It can be problematic. I admit that. I have all the ideas. But when it comes to deciding which is the best way to go... I am absolutely horrible at that. My decision-making skills aren't as good as they should be. I take forever to decide things, because I'm going over all the information in my head, categorizing positives and negatives, trying to determine what way is going to be the most efficient... By the time I've finished the analysis, someone's made the decision for me. Or it comes to a draw and I end up not making the decision at all and just doing nothing. This is why I need to be the ideas and someone else needs to be the action. If you leave it up to me, all you're going to have is a whiteboard of pro/con lists and crudely-drawn diagrams. But if I had partner to study my whiteboard and enact the logistics... Unstoppable, I tell ya!

This is perfectly analogous to my personal life, by the way. I have wonderful ideas, and want lots of things. And I know how I could potentially get them, but I can't decide which path is best. As my friends well know, I will come to them with a scenario and Attack Plans A and B, and I need someone to tell me which one's most appropriate. Who even knows how many relationships (or potential relationships) I've ruined by being indecisive? If people had mottos, mine's very likely to be, "The Moment Has Passed."

Of course... I think it's half indecisiveness, half not believing I can accomplish whatever it is. I don't think I can be a successful writer. So even though I do know a number of avenues I could take to make that happen, I doubt myself just enough to not do anything about it. I'm all but convinced I'll be alone for the rest of my life, so while I know how I could potentially put myself out there, say the right things, take bigger chances...I don't. I'm not convinced it'd be worth it, so why bother? Yeah, sometimes I default to "no one's interested in me, and I'm just going to mess it up." And that takes over. Hence the inaction. Come to think of it, that's about how I feel about the job search right now, too.

I still think there's a place for someone like me, in all aspects of life. I need to find the right complement. The right job, the right partner... A person or entity that understands my strengths and wants to work with them. That's why I'm really rather unwilling to settle. I'm, uh...special. I have needs. Or something. And I want them fulfilled. I just need to figure out how.