Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.

I'm going to get sappy on everyone for a minute. Preserve this for posterity. It happens really infrequently.

Like it says up there, I do consider myself a bit of a misanthrope. That's not just clever internet branding; it's the truth. We'll disregard the fact that I'm a misanthrope who works in customer service and tries desperately to meet new people. Well, or maybe that's the genesis of a lot of my...issues. I see the worst parts of people. And tiny flashes of goodness if all the stars and planets align. Working with the public provides a window to all the traits and behaviors that impact our human relationships, albeit on a small scale and in a sometimes artificial situation. But I feel like I can tell a lot about a person by how they treat me when I'm trying to help them. And let me be honest - it doesn't give me hope for humanity.

I used to be optimistic. Did anyone read that with a straight face? Good, you shouldn't have. I was never optimistic. I was bullied in school, physically and emotionally. Not nearly as bad as some folks I know, and I could never compare the experiences without looking like a completely self-centered drama queen. But the point is... My distaste for people started early. I've always questioned motivations and searched for ulterior motives, and accordingly kept my circle of friends small. Trust needs to be earned, see. But then again, sometimes the people you trust the most are the ones who hurt you the most... It's so difficult to be a social being.

But I know some good people. Correction: I know some amazing people. I know some people who, when I needed it the most, showed me that truly sincere, caring, trustworthy folks do exist. It wasn't some schmaltzy coming-of-age high school tale about a group of motley misfits who form an unlikely but heart-warming bond. Because, despite the number of people who claim otherwise, no one lived in a John Hughes movie. But it was something akin to that. We didn't fit in anywhere else. Hell, we didn't even fit in with each other. But that was okay. Whoever and whatever you were was okay. I learned acceptance. I learned to love people and disregard the labels placed on them. I learned that what we see at first glance isn't an indication of what's inside, and we need to dig deeper.

Those are important lessons. But somewhere along the line, I got jaded and forgot everything. I spent too much time in the wrong places, doing the wrong things with the wrong people. Seeing more bad than good, and dismissing people more quickly than is right. And becoming very lonely in the process.

I'm a bit more encouraged lately. I'm in a different environment with different people and a different outlook. And I'd written before that I wasn't sure how that would work out for me - that these may not have been people I'd choose, had I a choice - but I'm wondering if that was the jaded me talking. The resistant, closed-off me with all the...unlearning and such. I've also been reaching back into my past and realizing, for the millionth time, that I'm not perfect and I haven't been fair. Trust me, I'm aware of that fact. But knowing when I'm wrong, even at the ripe old age of 27, is still not something at which I'm fully adept.

What I do know now, though, is... The ability to live openly and love freely in a world that can bring such great pain for such little reason is a gift. The people who can do that are extraordinary, and I want to learn from them. I'll be incredibly lucky to get that opportunity again.

And to everyone who's been there lately: Thank you. Sincerely. In order to not be a completely miserable person, I've needed all the help I could get. I appreciate it more than you know.

Okay, back to our regularly-scheduled bitching.