All in due time?

I worry.

This isn't news, I'm aware. But I have specific worry lately.

I could put it under the general category of "inadequacy." But again...not news.

I can't say I've ever held myself to truly high standards. One who dresses themself based upon whether or not an item of clothing smells can't profess such things. But I do like the appearance of competence. And generally find that I am, indeed, competent. Then I'm in an extremely uncomfortable place (like the back of a Volkswagen) and find that even faking competence is a feat far too difficult to master.

I'm struggling with my performance at work. I mean...maybe I am. I've been there three and a half months, so of course I'm not going to be perfect. But I can't decide if I'm on track progress-wise or not. I'm baffled by something at least once a day. I haven't yet been able to determine if my coworkers trust me. I know there are things I don't know or can't do yet. But I also can't help but feel that where I am isn't good enough, and no one really wants to say anything.

But I am also paranoid.

I'm probably not giving myself enough credit. I was at my last job for ten years. I could do it in my sleep (which I did, more than once). And that's long enough for me to forget how it feels to be new. I sincerely can't recall how things were after three and a half months there. And I probably didn't care, since I was 17 and more concerned about whether my Pre-Calc teacher caught me napping in class (which I did, more than once). I can't compare the experience. I'm different, the job is different... It's just different.

But what I can compare... In year ten at the old job, I had it all down. Everything. Hell, I had it at year three. I never looked anything up. I just knew. I remember the questions I answered from new people. I remember their frustrations. I remember them all marveling at how easy it seemed to be for me. Because it really was that easy. And I remember more than one of them looking at me apologetically or with a furrowed brow and saying, "I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions. I just wish I knew all this stuff as well as you did."

And I would reply, no matter how bothersome I actually found their inquiries, "Don't worry about it. I've been here a long time. It just takes a little while. You'll learn." And most of them... Well, they did.

Eventually. But I guess I hold myself to a high enough standard where "eventually" isn't sufficient. I'm not a patient person. I want people to believe in me now. I want to be competent now. And not just because it's good for me, but because it's good for everyone.

I've never been comfortable starting from scratch. Most likely because I've never really had to. So my worry is, in my opinion, justified. But I have to figure out how to spend less time worrying and more time on that...actual competence thing.

It just takes a little while. I'll learn.