The Opposite.

I'd like to open with a quote from one of my absolute favorite "Seinfeld" episodes (from which I've borrowed the title of this entry).

George Costanza (who is the male, 30-something, fictional me) says:

Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.

This certainly doesn't read as my autobiography or anything, but I've had that feeling before. Like to get anywhere, I need to do exactly what I normally wouldn't do.

And now allow me to transcribe a conversation that has occurred dozens of times in my life with dozens of different people, regarding dozens of different things.

Person: "Well, it sounds like you need to (insert behavior here)."
Me: "You're probably right. But that's not...what I do."
Person: "Maybe you need to start."
Me: "...but I don't do that!"

Well, golly, Einstein... Ya think maybe not doing that, whatever it is, is holding you back from whatever happens after you do that? (Are we following along at home?)

It is. It does. And this isn't really about ignoring instinct, because...honestly, mine's not that bad overall. It's more about not allowing myself to be hijacked by the uncertainty of the unknown and sometimes not following the path that could be right because I can't predict the outcome. And that falls on both sides of the coin - what my gut says and what might make me...well, throw up.

George and I have a lot in common. See, even if things started to get good for him, there was always the inevitable downturn. Like some asshole nonchalantly flicking off the light at the end of the tunnel, which was coming from a really, really old and tired bulb anyway. He was never quite able to get over the hump. I'm wondering if I'm destined for the same thing, because I don't have enough intestinal fortitude to take a chance.

(I realize how ridiculous it is to compare myself to a fictional character. But does anyone else remember this episode? George does the opposite of what he'd normally do, and ends up finally moving out of his parents' house, getting a hot girlfriend, and landing a job with the Yankees. Should I try it? Will I get TV-lucky?)

I'm thinking it might be time to start "doing that." Whatever it is. No one's stopping me except me, right?

But then again... George ended up in prison...