It's too soon for a midlife crisis.

It's happening again.

Every few months, it seems, a series of events in my life will push me toward feeling I need to get my life together RIGHT NOW.

A career, my own place, friends, a relationship, a direction... Now. I need it now.

I feel like one of those women who tell anyone who'll listen about the ticking of their biological clock. I feel like I should be talking about my eggs drying up or something like that.

It's more abstract than that, but at the same time...it's not really that different. I feel like I'm running a race against time, for a lot of reasons. I mean... I'm so far behind already.

It would be fantastic to say, here and now, that I'm going to start going after what I want when I want it. I'm going to speak up and reach out and stop second-guessing. Because life is short and other such cliches.

Conversational excerpt:

I just... I feel like I need to start being more assertive.
with, like...everything.
I'm almost 30, and what do I have?
a job I'm ambivalent toward, a room in my mother's attic, maybe three friends, no boyfriend, no hobbies, no goals...
I know I'm not unique or anything, but this is not what I pictured for myself.

Yeah, this is all a variation on things I've said before. But I try so hard not to feel pressure to live the way everyone else does, or the way people say I'm supposed to. No, not try. I don't. Period. But it's something different entirely when I'm feeling the pressure from within. And it isn't to be something that I'm not; it's to be the most successful, happiest me I can be (though we've covered the fact that I'll never really be "happy" in the traditional, normal, human sense of the word). I guess what I don't like is that I'm pressuring myself into it. I should just...want it. Without feeling like there's some kind of void.

...right?

There's no resolution here. I'm just rambling. But I have to pick a place to start. Soon.