Hair today, truth tomorrow.

Well I had today off. I ventured out in the world briefly and did nothing of great import.

I did get a haircut. And those are always a challenge for me. Until I was in my early 20s, my mother (a former hairdresser) always cut it. She never did anything fancy, but I'm not really a fancy kinda girl, so that didn't really matter. It got cut when it needed it, and that was that. It's only within the past couple years that I've decided, intermittently, to have it done at a salon. Which requires placing an awful lot of trust in a stranger, and that's not something I'm wont to do.

I know, it's only hair. It grows back. But I admit that I have moments of uncertainty while I'm in the chair, hoping they're not going to give me a mohawk with lightning bolts shaved into the side of my head. Y'know, because they do that at MasterCuts.

I never get the same stylist twice, but I've never had a bad haircut, so I'm really okay with that. And I always walk in and tell them to cut it the way it was cut before, just shorter (I have layers and such; it's easy to see what was done the previous time). Today, as she was cutting...and cutting...and cutting... I was thinking maybe I should stop her. It's not that I didn't trust her, per se. I just didn't want to go too short. But then I stopped myself, took a deep breath, and thought, "No...no. Just let her cut. This feels a little uncomfortable, and I may not like the result. But I need to let it happen."

And I know it's just a haircut, but in that moment, I felt a little more...normal. Like any other person who takes small risks here and there without being certain of the outcome. A little less scared and a little more free.

It looks great, by the way.

.....................................

After that, I stopped at Barnes & Noble to do a little reading. Very little, since we all know it's rare for me to do such a thing. While I sat there - maybe an hour and a half - I noticed this guy repeatedly looking at me. Probably around my age, fairly attractive, and looked he was doing the same thing I was - killing time. He wasn't particularly discreet, nor was he particularly obvious. I'm just observant. We made eye contact a few times, then we both looked away quickly. No words exchanged; just some awkward looks. When I got up to leave, about thirty seconds later, so did he. But I took a detour to the bathroom and didn't see him again.

This kind of thing doesn't happen to me often. Well, not unless they're looking because I'm doing something ridiculous or I have food on my face. But it reminded me precisely how much I hate The Game. Y'know, The Dating Game. The one where you look at someone across the room but try not to make it obvious that you're looking at them. The one where you flirt without flirting, because you don't want people to think you're flirting. The one where you clearly find someone attractive or interesting, but letting them know you find them attractive or interesting is out of the question because that means you're not playing The Game.

I think I'm getting too old and Forever Alone for the coy crap. Yes, I see the irony in making that statement. I really do. Because I've been less than good at that in the past. And the present. And I probably will be in the future. I'm not very forward myself; we've been over this with the whole "letting things come to me" business. But I think part of that has to do with the fact that other people are so willing to play The Game. Like...do I really want to open this can of worms? Do I really want to do to the dance? I'd be perfectly happy with an open discourse of, "I like you, you like me, now what?" But people can't just do that. I feel like there's more pressure to be vague and almost...cutesy in the process.

I'm not a romantic. I don't like the chase. I would be incredibly impressed if someone approached me and said, "I have a feeling I would find you intellectually stimulating and I'd like to discuss [insert dorky topic here] with you." Then we talk and we see what happens. I don't want to be wooed, and I hate the "does he or doesn't he?" I want to know where I stand with someone, even if we're in the exploratory stages. Tell me what you're thinking. Not with your eyes. With your words.

But y'know...giant hypocrite, yada yada. I suppose I just wish it were somehow more socially acceptable and less awkward to...come out and say it, whatever it is. No dance, no game. Just...honesty.

And on that note... I end the rambling.