Survival of the fittest.

The past week or so has been...a struggle.

First of all, my anxiety has been through the roof lately. I've had three fairly significant panic attacks over the past week or so - two while driving, and one at work. My anxiety is never not present; I've accepted it as part of my life. And I will have periods of time when it's very mild, and periods of time when it's quite bad... But it hasn't been this bad in a long time. I don't know if it's just that I'm under a lot of stress with all the potential changes in my life, or if it's the weather (I'm really all set with it being 90 degrees already; I'm barely functional in this heat), or if I'm just chemically off right now, but... It's getting in the way. I'm back at the point where I'm letting my anxiety keep me from things, and I haven't done that in months. I can't let that continue.

I am stressed. I'll admit that. Things aren't great between my mother and I at the moment. We had a huge argument last week, and we're acting mostly normal now, but there are things I don't feel like we can talk about anymore. She's had far too much to say about my moving out, and she keeps telling me she's only trying to help. But if I wanted help, I would ask for it. What I want is to make my own decision, and she's making that very difficult for me.

I saw a place yesterday that I really liked. It was more what I pictured for myself, honestly. Second floor, pretty open floorplan, quiet complex, decent rent. And I'm meeting with a leasing consultant tomorrow who's going to show me quite a few available apartments. Plus I'm feeling the pull to get a roommate even more than ever lately. So I'll have a lot to think about over the next few days. Good thing I'm on vacation from work this week.

Moving on...

I joined a gym again. I already feel apathetic about the whole deal. Maybe because I've been anxious and I'm already mentally noting all the reasons I don't want to attempt to actually go to said gym. Maybe I'm in too much of a funk to make that move right now.

I'm just...really frustrated with people in general. Stupid question ahead: Why are people so fucking fake? I've encountered so many people in the past couple weeks who say one thing and do another, or have gone back on a promise... And I'm not perfect. I've done those things. But all of a sudden, it feels like everyone's flaky or inconsistent or even inconsiderate. "Everyone" is an exaggeration. I'm being dramatic. But I'm in this weird limbo right now where I want to be social, but at the same time...why? People are frustrating, disappointing, and annoying.

Something's missing for me at the moment. And I may very well be doing this to myself. I usually am. But somehow I don't feel a whole lot of support right now.

Maybe I need to go back to therapy.

Maybe that hurts my pride a little to say.

Doesn't mean it's not a good idea, though.

I think not being at work might drive me more crazy than being there. Who would have thought?