Pity, party of one.

Yeah, I'm being upfront about what this is.

I've been out of work for two weeks. My anxiety was overwhelming me. I tried to get back to normal life after my vacation, and it took one day for me to realize it wasn't going to be possible. I went to my doctor to attempt the medication thing again, and I filed a short-term disability claim at work.

I've been on Zoloft since the 7th. That was the last antidepressant left that I hadn't tried. I haven't had any horrible side effects (it made me extremely hungry at first, but that's gone away), and I was doing really well for about a week. Symptoms are starting to creep back in, so I went to the doctor again today and got cleared to increase the dosage. It's too soon to see a lot of improvement anyway, but at this point, the worst thing that could happen is for it not to work at all. I'm optimistic, given the fact that this one hasn't made me want to crawl out of my own skin like the others. I'll be genuinely devastated if I have to start over, though.

I still don't know if my disability claim has been approved. If it isn't, I run the risk of losing my job. I only had enough vacation and personal time to cover being out seven days. Anything beyond that can be considered unexcused, and I could be terminated. That knowledge isn't helping my situation one bit.

I'm supposed to go back to work Sunday. I'm terrified that I won't be ready. Actually, I know I won't be ready. I still can't drive without having a panic attack. Hell, I'm iffy on even leaving the house. I've been out twice in two weeks. I'm supposed to have been looking for a therapist, but if I can't get there, what's the point in making an appointment?

And I'm so alone. I wake up around 11AM, watch TV, make a little small talk with my grandparents. My mother gets home at 3:30PM, we talk here and there throughout the night, I watch more TV. I take my pills and go to bed at midnight, but I lay awake until 2:30 or 3AM playing games on my iPhone. I sleep fine, and I'm surprised I don't actually sleep more, since I have nothing else to do. My family is here, yes, but they don't understand what I'm going through, and they're often a source of greater stress, if I may be so honest.

I haven't been able to unload. I'm isolated and I feel like I have no support. I appreciate the two or three people who have reached out to me, but overall I'm hurt and I'm sad. I'm trying to stay upbeat and not put my dirty laundry out there, but maybe I'm being too convincing at being okay. I know I have a hard time asking for help, but it isn't even help that I want. I just want...consideration. I want a, "How are things?" or a, "Hey, if there's anything I can do, let me know." I've been down this road before. Sometimes all I need is someone to listen. But that's so hard when I feel like no one even cares to begin with.

I don't want anyone to take this personally. And I don't want anyone to feel obligated to start "being there" now. But this is my reality over the past couple weeks, and I need to get it out.

This is a low point. I've been lower, and I don't want to go back there. But this is still hard. And it's a longer and more painful process when it's done alone.

For right now, time is running out on me, and I'm not at the point I need to be. That's all I know.