Purge.

Guess there's something wrong with me
Guess I don't fit in
No one wants to touch it
No one knows where to begin
I've got more than one membership
To more than one club
And I owe my life
To the people that I love

- "In or Out" - Ani DiFranco

I feel alone quite a bit lately. But now it's hitting me that, fairly soon, I'll actually be alone. Most everyone around me is in a relationship, married, having kids, or just getting ready to get the hell out of here. I'm single, with no desire for the marriage or the children, and finding no necessity to leave (regardless of the fact that I wouldn't be financially able to do so anyway). I'm going to be left behind.

I was fortunate in college. Most of my high school friends went to college locally or didn't go to college at all right away. There wasn't much physical distance between us. And because I already had friends, and a job, and other responsibilities, I never made it a point to get to know anyone at school. I didn't need to, and quite honestly, very few of them could relate to me anyway. So I kept to myself on campus and continued to hang out with my high school friends. And that worked for a few years, since a lot of us took our time with school and still stayed in the area. But now all that stuff is over for most of them, they've found other priorities, and things are changing.

A lot of people reach this fork in the road sooner, I think. Like right after college. But it's been delayed for me, and that's making it harder. I was lulled into thinking nothing was going to change. I admit I've had my frustrations with my friends over the past couple years, most likely attributed to these growing pains. But when you really got down to it, they were still there. It was never enough for me to fully quit on them and seriously seek new friends. So now I'm at a point where I haven't actively tried to meet people in over ten years. And I don't know how.

I'm not that social. And cold-approaching someone is something I have absolutely never done. Oh, and let's not forget that I don't generally like going to places where, y'know...other people are. I feel as if I don't like the same things people my age like. (There are days I don't think I like anything at all, if I'm being honest.) But if I think I'm having trouble with people my age moving on in life, hanging out with older people would be even worse. And while I don't have anything in particular against younger folks, the potential for extended immaturity is too much of a risk. I really feel like there aren't many people that understand and relate to me. I got lucky with my friends, because they do get it. Most of the time. And replacing that kind of kinship is almost impossible.

The weird part? I think, if I just put my mind to it, I could find guys to be friends with. I feel like I've done that, with varied levels of success, currently and in the past. So that's achievable in my mind. But girls? I don't know what to do with girls. None of my friends are terribly feminine. We don't talk about manicures and fashion. Well, it happens occasionally. But not nearly as much as I hear other twenty-something women do. You'd never catch us planning a spa day, and we don't sit around kvetching about our periods. We're low-maintenance as chicks go. And I cannot see myself being friends with women who are all "OMG BOYS!" or "OMG CUTE OUTFITS!" Or, heaven forbid, "OMG BABIES!" Where do I find a girl who likes to shop, but isn't obsessive about it? Whose default reaction to me talking about basketball isn't, "ew, sports"? Who is capable of liking a given item because it's both pretty and functional?

People tell me to make friends through a common interest. I'm out of touch and don't know what women are interested in. Book clubs? Crafts? Kids? "Grey's Anatomy"? Not really a fan. What do they like? What do I like? Let's be honest: It's hard to make friends based upon a mutual love of sleep.

This is going to be a difficult endeavor. Probably even more difficult than giving up and being alone. I've learned I'm not so bad at the alone thing. There are just moments when it gets a little monotonous. But then I read anything on the internet, or go to work and deal with the public, and I'm reminded why being by myself is actually okay. Or sometimes maybe even preferred. But I have to change that mindset. I might not like people, but I love my friends. Time to try and love some new ones, for my own sake.