Is this where I get off?

I make no secret of it: I'm an online dating veteran. I'm on multiple sites and have been for multiple years. Given that admission, it should come as no surprise that I have very little luck in such endeavors. I've made a few friends (who are awesome, and no, I don't lie about how we met), but nothing's stuck romantically so far. Is it frustrating? Well...yes. Very much so. But I'm not exactly a social person, and have such a difficult time meeting people in the real world... So I continue. More passively these days, but I continue.

I'm not pleased with the selection, honestly. It's just like a trip to the mall. This one's too expensive, this one doesn't fit, this one requires installation... But it's just like me to find something wrong, even in the context of superficial analysis and relative anonymity.

I really want dating sites to start sorting matches into three categories, just for the bitter folks:

"People you would never date, but will inevitably pursue you most aggressively." This is reserved for everyone twice your age, who never learned to type properly, who likes "Jersey Shore" unironically and models their life after it, or calls you "mami" in their first message. These are the people whose profiles you bypass because you can't even get through the headline without cringing. They will comprise most of your activity on the site, because you'll have to respond to them to say you're not interested.

"People who would never date you, but are here to keep your ego in check." Don't get too cocky and start thinking you're too good for this online dating thing. See these guys? They're good-looking, smart, funny, and successful...and they want nothing to do with you! Go ahead, keep window shopping, eat some more chocolate, and hug your cat a little tighter. These men will not date you.

"Seriously, you've both been on this site for five years. Just fuck already." You're not really attracted to him and he's not really attracted to you, but you're both still here because you're lonely. Get your average selves together, have an average time, culminating in some average sex, then begin an average relationship, because that's all either of you are ever going to get. So either give Grandpa over there a shot and hope he doesn't break a hip, keep pining for Mr. Perfect while you cry into a party-sized bag of potato chips, or settle for the guy who might be...sort of attractive...if you squint a little...and disregard the fact that all he's talked about is his crazy ex-wife. It's destiny, you idiot. Destiny!

Sure, they already list percentages of potential compatibility. But we don't assess ourselves fairly when it comes to stuff like that, and we often have a narrow view of what's acceptable when it comes to others and what we think would be good for us. In fact, we're often wrong. It's not about the black and white or multiple choice questions that provide the numbers; that's all misleading. You have to read people in their own words. Y'know, if you can be certain you're speaking the same language.

I want my online dating sites to be smarter than that. Seriously. Tell me who I'm supposed to settle for.

(It's either that or I pay a matchmaker to do it. )